So I have began reading again, yes me! ha ha! I think I enjoy reading alot more when it's regarding a situation that I need help with. Lately I have been struggling with keeping my 3 yr old from not hitting my 1 yr old. It's gotten worse recently. Our 1 yr old will just be silently sitting on the floor and our 3 yr old will kick him in the face, run him over, smack him..etc. And it's been SO frustrating b/c obviously we tell him not to and get SO mad at him..but it just happens over and over again. I can't leave them in the same room together. And the hardest part is once you have blown up, you then regret how badly you reacted and there come GUILT. So..I went to Joyce and explained my sorrows and she recommended a book- it's called "Positive Timeout" by Jane Nelsen. Some big highlights for me in this book:-
- A child who feels better, does better
- You should never put a child in time out that is under the "age of reason" which is 2 1/2
- A misbehaving child is a discouraged child
- We must help our children feel they are significant and empowered and then there wouldn't be a need for them to misbehave
-Children misbehave when they feel insignificant
-Punitive time outs will only solve the problem at that moment, but will not have far reaching effects. It also can be humiliating for the child. And only increases the misbehavior later on.
-when parents take the easy way out-going for short range solutions rather than long range teaching- they rob children the opportunity to learn the skills the children need to prosper in life.
- Positive timeouts need to be done in order for longterm goals to be met, therefore the behavior will improve
- When your child has misbehaved it is best to approach them with a hug and kiss and to place them in their "Feel Good" place. Which should consist of soft pillows, blankets, books, music..whatever. And describe to them "you must not be feeling good about yourself right now, so you are to stay here untill you feel better and come out when you are feeling better." When they come out you are to ask "what" and "how" qts about the situation and to end it with a hug and kiss. Some may argue that this book is saying- you are rewarding the child for misbehaving by letting them have a "positive" time out, but that is not the case. It helps them to develop life skills as well as to self- soothe.-Getting upset, yelling, threatening will only satisfy the issue at that moment and in turn you are humilitating the child and they are continuing to feel insignificant. Where did the idea come that in order for our children to do better, we need to make them feel worse?
-Positive timeout also helps us as adults to take time out to regroup. When we become so upset our "reptillian" brain is working and works the idea of fight or flight. Instead if we regroup and collect our thoughts (while our child is having positive time out) a different part of our brain helps us to think more logically.
- Lots of time we become upset at our kids- when what they are doing in our minds is "misbehaving" but really it can be a developmentally need to explore, etc.
-Instead of always telling our children what they Can't do, tell them what they Can do.
-when children trust the adults in their lives, they have less desire to misbehave
love this quote- "Discipline that teaches children helps them learn for the future. Punishment makes children pay for the past"
I just loved it. And completley agree with it's points. And will put this advice to work, and hope the physical harm to 1yr old, Bradyn may come to an end :)